I Don't Wanna

I don't wanna.
I don't wanna get out of my warm bed this cold morning to face another day of sadness and loss.
I don't wanna accept that one of the sweetest women I have ever had the privilege of knowing is now at rest.
I don't wanna spend another day facing the new dynamics of our home without my Mother-in-law here to make us laugh.
I don't wanna see the silk flowers in my back yard marking the place my Tayta is buried.
I don't wanna cry anymore at odd times in front of my co-workers because something has popped into my head to remind me of those who are gone.
I don't wanna miss the ones I love.
I don't wanna fight to be strong when I really just want to curl up and hide, just for a little while.
I don't wanna be soft and weak, I want to be there for others.
But sometimes it just gets too be too much.
I know that I trust in God and that his plan is not for me to know ahead of time, it is for me to discover each day like the blossoming of a new flower. That to make things grow, the ground must be tilled, mixed and made receptive to the new seeds of change.
The beauty of the past is never forgotten, not the smiles, the heart, the love. All is remembered. Even though we miss what bloomed in the season before, we know more will bloom, and in different and spectacular ways. New joys and love will come to us. It may take time, and often sneaks in before we realize it.
But for today, my heart is heavy and I don't wanna.